Lucius and Severus and the Case of the Hand of Vic
by csharpmajor
Summary: The right hand of the Winged Victory of Samothrace has been stolen, and it's up to Lucius and Severus to find it in grand detective style! Chapter 3 now up!
1. L & S Decide to go to France

Disclaimer: Okay, I'm only gonna do this once, so listen up! The author of this fic does not really believe Lucius and Severus are gay, so DON'T FLAME HER! She just happens to find the idea of them together amusing. She understands that all the characters in this story have been distorted to the point where their personalities are no longer recognisable, so don't write to her complaining about how nobody's in character either. Well...she thinks Lucius might still have some last vestiges of his personality left, but really, this is just a cartoony fun fic. So enjoy yourselves, dammit!  
  
Oh, and I don't don't own Harry Potter, etc, etc.  
  
And by the way, to maximise your enjoyment of this story, imagine everyone talking with 1930s radio play voices. You know...those ones. Here we go...  
  
*** From the creator of nothing particularly memorable, comes this wonderfully written story, a tour de force, a thoroughly exciting mystery that will keep you guessing to the end! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY ***  
  
CHAPTER ONE: Lucius and Severus Decide to go to France  
  
Her head was missing. Her arms, too, were long gone, the only remnants of which was her right hand with but three fingers attached, which was kept in a glass display case a few metres away from her body. And now even that was no longer there.  
  
Yes, the Winged Victory of Samothrace was certainly in a sorry state, but one could hardly expect better after 2190 years of existence. Time had been kind enough to grant her her very own hallway in the Louvre, Paris, where thousands of art lovers each day could marvel together at her exquisite beauty and craftsmanship.  
  
Rather more, one the other hand, could have been expected of the hooligan who had broken into the museum one night, and, foiling both the Louvre's security guards and state-of-the-art security system, broken into a certain display case and making off with its contents: the right hand of the Winged Victory of Samothrace.  
  
"We're going to find out who did it," announced Lucius Malfoy as soon as he read the news. His breakfast newspaper landed on the kitchen floor, unfinished. "We're going to France."  
  
"France?" repeated his lover and trusty sidekick Severus Snape, incredulously. "Whatever for? It's just a statue, after all, and has nothing to do with us."  
  
"Oh, but this is much more that just a purposeless whim," said Lucius, as he struck a dramatic pose. "You see, I have certain memories of Paris. I will be leaving very soon regardless of whether or not you choose to come with me, but I do believe that this is very much to do with us. For you see, my dear Severus, there is something I wish to tell you, something that I feel is best said in France."  
  
"Gee, I wonder what that could be?" said Severus, with just the slightest hint of a smile on his face. "Don't tell me you're in love with me!"  
  
Lucius pushed back his chair and leapt onto the kitchen table. "Severus!" he reprimanded, placing one arm on his hip and pointing the other heavenwards, "This is no time to be smart! This is a time to pack, because Lucius and Severus are going to France!"  
  
He jumped off the table. "But first, we must inform Narcissa."  
  
*** It seems our story is just beginning to set off. But wait! Why is Lucius so eager to go to France? What is this secret he is referring to? And what will Narcissa Malfoy have to say about all this? Stay tuned for the next episode of ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY *** 


	2. L & S Contend with a Mysteriously Disapp

*** In our last episode, Lucius and Severus first learned that the Hand of the Winged Victory of Samothrace had been stolen from the Louvre, Paris. Deciding to get to the bottom of the mystery, they set off to inform Narcissa of their leaving. What will happen next? Welcome to the latest instalment of ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY ***  
  
CHAPTER TWO: Lucius and Severus Contend with a Mysteriously Disapproving Narcissa at Malfoy Manor  
  
Narcissa Malfoy had obviously been baking when she answered the door, for in one mitted hand was a tray of freshly baked biscuits.  
  
"Good morning, my darling wife," said Lucius as he stepped into the entrance hall of Malfoy Manor.  
  
"Good morning Lucius," said Narcissa Malfoy. "Now what have you been up to all night, and would you like a biscuit?"  
  
"At Severus's house discussing our son's education, of course," replied Lucius, holding the door open for the aforementioned party. "And not now, thank you - I've just eaten."  
  
"Good morning, madam," said Severus. His eyes flitted around the room before coming to rest on the tray of biscuits. "May I?" He made a motion toward the contents of the cooling tray.  
  
"Oh, I wasn't expecting a visitor!" exclaimed Narcissa, discreetly pulling the biscuits out of Severus's reach. "Let me put the kettle on and make you a cup of tea."  
  
"That will be unnecessary, my dear," said Lucius grandly. "Severus and I have pressing business in France and will be leaving very shortly. You see, the right hand of the Winged Victory of Samothrace has been stolen from the Louvre, and we must find its thief."  
  
"The Winged Victory of Samothrace?" said Narcissa. "I agree that it's a very nice statue, but I don't see what it has to do with us. And France is so awfully far away. Are you sure you're not just looking to have an affair with a beautiful Parisian woman while I'm out of the picture?" She smiled coyly at Lucius, and winked.  
  
"I would sooner die than abandon you for another woman," replied Lucius. "And I am afraid you are wrong on the other count as well. The Winged Victory has very much to do with us, for reasons I would prefer not to disclose at this moment" - or in your company, he added under his breath - "but which are nonetheless very important."  
  
"But Mr Weasley says France is awfully busy this time of year," said a reasonlessly agitated Narcissa. "And he should know. He's monitoring Muggle traffic through the English Channel."  
  
"That half-wit couldn't monitor the goalposts in a quidditch match," said Lucius.  
  
"Mr Weasley is a very nice man!" cried Narcissa. "And there really is no reason for you to be going to France! Have a biscuit!" She thrust the tray at Lucius.  
  
"Thank you very much," said Severus, and took one. Lucius elbowed him in the ribs. "Must you go out of your way to annoy her?" he asked under his breath, then said in a normal voice to Narcissa, "But what about the Winged Victory?"  
  
"Who cares?" she almost screamed. "It's a lousy statue! Now clear out, you two, and forget about this detective business at once. I'm expecting someone."  
  
Just then, the doorbell rang. "I'll get it!" called Lucius, and opened the door.  
  
"Gaaaaah!" screamed Arthur Weasley and fell over backwards. He had been clutching a bouquet of roses in one hand and a manila folder in the other; both fell to the ground. Several papers spilled out of the folder and onto the garden path. MARCH WEATHER FORECASTS FOR PARIS ILE-DE-FR, Lucius managed to make out.  
  
"Who's there?" asked Severus, and pushed past Lucius to stand in the doorway. Arthur screamed again.  
  
"Y-y-you...y-you're...you..." he gibbered, finger pointed.  
  
"Severus Snape," said Severus, offering a hand up. "Your son's former Potions teacher?"  
  
A strangled sort of sound escaped Arthur's lips, but he somehow managed to compose himself enough to say, "O...o-oh. H-how...lovely." He scrambled to his feet and hurriedly gathered up the dropped papers and flowers. "L-l- lovely meeting you, Mr S-Sna-Sn...Malfoy and friend."  
  
"Nice meeting you too," replied Lucius, "but I'm afraid we really have to leave now. Tell Narcissa we're going to France, will you?" He and Severus stepped out into the garden.  
  
Without so much as a goodbye, Arthur Weasley streaked through the door, slamming it behind him. "I don't think he's coming out again," said Severus sagaciously, and so the two of them left it at that.  
  
*** Will Lucius and Severus make it to France? Will they find out why Arthur Weasley is so nervous? And just why is he carrying Parisian weather reports? Find out on the next exciting episode of ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY! *** 


	3. L & S are Forced to Take Public Transpor...

*** Last time, on everyone's favourite radio play, Lucius and Severus set off to inform Narcissa of their leaving, only to come up against her mysteriously vehement opposition! And when they turn to leave, who should be standing on the doorstep but Arthur Weasley? What on earth is going on? Please enjoy tonight's episode of ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY ***  
  
CHAPTER THREE: Lucius and Severus are Forced to Take Public Transportation  
  
"I suppose," said Lucius, "that it is common knowledge that, for travelling short distances, it is best to use the Apparation spell. Now the Louvre, being a fair distance away, will take a little effort in getting to, but I think we'll manage. Now -"  
  
"Lucius, no!" cried Severus, grabbing his lover's arm, as a simple yet undeniable truth dawned on him.  
  
But it was too late; Lucius had already cast the spell and they were standing in the entrance hall of the Louvre. For a while, all was silent. Then the room around them was thrown into chaos, as frightened Muggles ran for their lives while making the sorts of sounds one might expect them to make after seeing two men suddenly appear out of thin air.  
  
"Oh bugger," said Severus. He rummaged around in his pockets and produced, after much searching, a clear crystal orb.  
  
"Obscura!" he said loudly, flinging the orb to the floor, where it shattered into a million glittering pieces and released a thick, grey smoke. Moments later, the smoke cleared, the crystal shards had gone and the Muggles were calm once more, if a little confused.  
  
"That was an Obscurity Orb!" exclaimed an incredulous Lucius.  
  
"My only one, too," said Severus ruefully. "It was a present from Flitwick for not releasing incriminating documents." He paused. "Now that we've got no means of covering our tracks, I suppose we'll have to use rather more mundane modes of transport."  
  
"Do you mean to suggest we travel like Muggles?" asked Lucius without really expecting an answer. "Certainly not. Surely we can find another way to get around without being seen."  
  
Severus sighed. "You heard your wife. France is awfully busy this time of year. Do you have any idea how much trouble we'll cause if we're noticed? We'll never get the Ministry off our backs."  
  
After a considerable effort on Severus's part, Lucius was finally convinced that using Muggle transport would be in the best interests for both of them. And so, after first strolling up the Daru Staircase to check that the Hand was, indeed, gone, it was on an RATP bus that the two of them left for the home of Lucius's acquaintance Rémi Beauchard.  
  
*** Who is Rémi Beauchard and how will he be able to help our heroes? Will Lucius continue to suffer the indignities of public transport? What new exciting twists will develop in the plot? Find out next time on ***  
  
*** LUCIUS AND SEVERUS AND THE CASE OF THE HAND OF VICTORY *** 


End file.
